| ::Too Tired for Words:: |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|02:58 am] |
I haven't been sleeping enough because I've been staying up late for no real particular reason without really getting much of anything accomplished. It's starting to really bother me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You'd think it would be as easy as simply going to sleep early.
Saturday is the Head the the Occoquan in Virginia. It's also Halloween, but really now, I'll be missing most of it, so it barely matters. I'm racing in a boat with 4 and also one with 8. And I have some beautiful blisters to show for today's practice. I'm so excited.
How ridiculously awesome are these topics?!
( Pitt Research Topics )
I wish I enjoyed the company of more people. |
|
|
| ::Damn us and our high goals:: |
[Oct. 15th, 2009|10:17 am] |
| [ | location |
| | Pittsburgh | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful, exhausted, et cetera | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Red - Chevelle | ] |
So here I am, sitting in my big blue sphere chair out in the main hallway of the third floor, listening to Jimmy Eat World which I took from Tom along with 15 gigabytes of other awesome music last night while I waste time organizing my iTunes library instead of doing Spanish homework after having just finished playing Thetis with Teddy Grahams dunked to the ankle in hot chocolate. I love life. I really really love it here. I'm not sure if its Pittsburgh as a whole or just my particular home here in Forbes or maybe just my particular floor, but I am totally in love with life. I love what I'm learning, and even when I don't love it I understand its value. I love the people I'm close friends with. Some of them remind me of home, and some of them are totally new and wonderful in this all-new way. It's amazing because we're all in the same boat, trying to get through the semi-real world of college life and we help each other get through it. I can't even begin tell you how many people I've fallen in love with every single day since I've been here. It's just wonderful and fantastic and all shades of amazing. Plus I get to wear hats and scarves in mid-October and not take them off till March and get lost while running in huge parks and stroll through the rain and wear comfy clothes and learn a foreign language and get chem and calc help from the smartest person I know and walk around in bunny slippers so frequently that my slippers' fame precedes even my name. It's incredible.
I'm so tired. Time for a nap.
I love college. We have nap time. |
|
|
| ::Dos Semanas:: |
[Sep. 16th, 2009|12:15 am] |
| [ | location |
| | Forbes Hall | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  elated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bjork - Violently Happy | ] |
I love college. I love life.
Me encanta la universidad. Me encanta la vida. Y me encanta español.
The world is a wonderful place.
I got lost in Schenley Park today and ended up running in the wrong direction out of the park and had to turn back around waay late. But it was so beautiful. I need to bring a camera there come autumn.
I had lunch today on the cathedral lawn with a pretty amazing human being. I hope something comes of this.
Today was our first day on the water for the crew team. We stayed afloat! We got places! That's all that matters for now, I suppose.
It seems like everything I've ever wanted is finally, finally, finally arriving at my doorstep. And I couldn't be happier :D
Sorry for the lack of updates recently. It's just that I've been so consumed by stuff that I've been journaling furiously almost every day, just not on here.
Puedes darme un beso si deseas.
Lo siento, pero español es muy adictivo. |
|
|
| ::Fight Club, Shoes, The (Almost) End of EMT Class, Tickets Galore:: |
[Aug. 13th, 2009|11:56 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Silversun Pickups - Panic Switch | ] |
I went to Muay Thai with Elsynia tonight at this place where she goes in Englishtown. It was AMAZING! It's so empowering and ferocious. I'm signing up in May when I come home, and in the meantime I'm gonna have to look for a fight club or mixed martial arts in the big long list of clubs at school and join that to train up a bit. But I've found another violent thing that I find ridiculously fun. OF COURSE :D
Last night me and my mom stayed up until 2 in the morning watching reruns of The Nanny. It was so nice to do that. It made me think of the time we stayed up just as late watching Jerry Maguire on TV. I like when we do that kind of stuff.
We earned a ton of rewards from Famous Footwear this past year, and so we finally used the rewards certificates and coupons on the stuff we bought on our visit there today. We bought eight pairs of shoes today. Eight pairs. For $203. It was insane. I got new converse finally. My old ones were falling apart. Only now I have to live with that awfully awkward shiny converse look for a while until I dirty them up a bit. And I bought two pairs of nice flats. Hooray for me!
I only have two classes left of EMT school. Saturday 9-4 is technically my last CLASS, and then Monday night is our final practical, and then I will never see any of these people ever again. Which is a real shame because I've come to like and respect the instructors (not so much the people, but there are a few kind faces I might miss). And then on Tuesday I take the official state EMT-B exam up in Middlesex somewhere at some firehouse or whatnot. So yeah. After Tuesday my initial schooling for certification will be all over and I'll just have to wait a few weeks and see whether or not I pass the test and get certified (although I really don't see myself failing).
I'm in such a strange mood tonight. Happy. Weird. Fidgety. Sleepy. Loopy. Anxious. Corny. Yep, the next generation of seven dwarfs. You know it really should have been "dwarves" and not "dwarfs" in the title of Snow White. Grammar, people, grammar!
STOMP is in Pittsburgh September 15-20. Oh my goddd. I am buying a ticket for myself ASAP even though that means going all by my lonesome. I don't even care. I wanna see stomp so badly. AAAANNNDDD Cirque du Soleil's Alegria is ON CAMPUS at the Pete on October 7th. I actually woke up to that amazing factoid - ticketmaster sent me an email with that featured in it, and I had just woken up and checked my blackberry and saw that and freaked. I'm just gonna be buying tickets to things out the ass. I'm gonna have no money left to live on. But hey, at least I'll have seen some wicked awesome concerts. I mean, Alegria is my second favorite Cirque du Soleil show ever. I've seen it performed on TV - I taped it and rewatched it so many times. I really don't even care if I'm going alone. I don't have time to make friends and find out who else is interested in going with me, because by then it'll be nearly sold out and I'll end up with crappy seats. But maybe I should wait at least until I finish orientation week on the off chance of meeting someone who's interested in going? I'm undecided. Any advice would be great :D
That's about it for me for now. Until next time, this has been eyewitness news with your host, Lauren Kelly, signing off for the night. Thank you for watching and good night. |
|
|
| ::Waiting For Five:: |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|03:58 am] |
"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"
Make the world go away. And not because it's done anything bad to me - I just want it to give me a break for two seconds to avoid everything and everyone for just a little while without either making me feel guilty for not wanting to socialize or making me miss out on all these fun and exciting and life-changing events and experiences that I keep missing. But I suppose that's what you get when you purposely avoid social interaction and then get disappointed when nobody knows nor trusts you. That's exactly what you get.
I wish I knew how to express my emotions. They just won't come out. I'll try. And I'll have have a whole dramatic, emotional spiel planned out in my head. But one of two things always happens. 1) I chicken out and decide to keep quiet. 2) I decide that my emotions don't matter very much anyway, so why bother opening my mouth?, I think to myself. Which is perfectly logical in my head, because people's emotions don't matter very much to me - I seem to have been born without the empathy gene - but it's hard to remember that most people aren't programmed that way and actually cry on a regular basis. I'm not saying that people are weak or that I am some sort of quasi-human, although I guess in a way I am saying that. But not like like I'm something marvelously wonderful and nobody else is, because that's just not true in the least (although I must say, I am rather wonderful - but I've met other equally and even more wonderful people as well). I just forget that the things that I squash down in my head as irrelevant are actually considered really important to other people, especially with emotional stuff. Most people rely on other people. I rely on other people, too. Just not as much as most people do. I just keep to myself and try not to do what I think bothers other people or puts any sort of burden on them.
To make a long and incorrigible story short, I'm afraid I won't make any real friends in Pittsburgh because I won't feel like socializing with anyone. And that scares me and upsets me.
No sleep tonight. I figure if I'm gonna stay up until 4:23 as it is, I might as well not sleep for the 45 minutes after I get home and just stay up and journal or clean my room or think or meditate or exercise or read or do SOMETHING to pass the time and make it a worthwhile 45 minutes.
Elsynia taught me how to throw a punch and do a proper front and right kick today. I like it a lot. It's sad that so many of my favorite things to do involve some form of violence.
4:28. Half an hour left until I can go home. I hate this hour, from 4-5am on Wednesday mornings. It's such an awful waiting period. You can't start anything. You can't go anywhere or do anything. But you DO NOT want a call, either, because then you probably won't get home until well after 5am. So it becomes this necessary hour of limbo. |
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| ::Digits, Freon, and Moving On:: |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|09:48 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jay Sean - Down | ] |
Well, here I am, watching What Not To Wear!
Tomorrow I have to get up extra early for CBRNE/HazMat training in EMT class! Hooray for being almost done! Including tomorrow, I only have to go there seven more times. Only three weeks left.
I finally got that lame-o toenail surgery to take out the sides of the nails of my big toes so that I'll never get an ingrown nail again! Talk about a lame surgical procedure. But it was cool because they poured freon (like....the very same stuff thats in your A/C and your fridge) all over my feet before jabbing the needle into my toes and it was really fucking cold and when it dripped down the arches of my feet the tinglyfreezingomfgcoldness was all I could think about, so as long as I wasn't looking I didn't know he put the needle in until he actually injected the lidocaine. So yeah. My two big toes look slightly scabbish, and it hurts like the dickens when I stub my toes, but aside from that, everything's totally good and normal. I just can't run for a while or do anything that puts pressure on my toes :(
I got my refrigerator for my dorm yesterday afternoon. It's exciting. All my bedding is ready to go and taking up way too much space in my bedroom, and I have a wonderful new ipod player since I can't bring my Bose. But I have so much other shit, because I can't travel anywhere without all my shit. Hahaha poor Jasmine. There'll be like one little nook in the corner for all her stuff.
I'm so excited for the whole college experience thing. Aside from my class schedule being beastly time-consuming, I'm excited to finally only have to worry about me, myself, and I, with no one to stop me from going out for a run at some ungodly hour of the morning, no one to have to worry about the costliness of my food since I'm only feeding one person, no one to tell me I can't go somewhere or can't go with certain people. Although it's gonna be weird without all the help and constant daily support. Who's going to get me up if I forget to set my alarm clock? Better program the alarms into the blackberry way in advance. Who's going to clean up after me if I forget to put something away or bite off a task that turns out to be a bit more than I can chew? Yeeks. But I think I'll do just fine.
Important Dates to Remember:
August 7. August 17. August 18. August 25. August 31. October 17. Among others. |
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| ::It's Gonna Be My Year:: |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|01:32 am] |
| [ | location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kings of Leon | ] |
I've been roaming around always looking down at all I see.
You know that I could use somebody...
Someone like you. |
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|
| ::Scores:: |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|10:53 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | V Factory - Lovestruck | ] |
My AP scores just earned me 24 credits toward my college degree. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty rockin.
I finally watched The House Bunny and Run Fat Boy Run. Both quite humorous.
I received some great advice today. |
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| ::It's Been Quite A While:: |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|09:42 pm] |
Tomorrow morning my mother is FINALLY letting me drive alone, home from first aid at 5. Which is a huge step for her. I wasn't even allowed to drive here myself - Jen went in her car while I drove with my mom, who made me go 35. On a 45 mph street. Yes. People were honking. It was oh so fun.
Ray wants to know why I'm so quiet tonight. I don't know why I'm so quiet. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. It's troublesome. I'm bored, too. You'd think my boredom would make me have something to talk to SOMEONE about. But nope. So I'm just sitting here. Bored. With nothing to talk about. And at the present moment, nobody to talk about nothing with. This is weird.
I learned how to deliver a baby last night. I feel important now. |
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| ::Pittsburgh It Is:: |
[May. 26th, 2009|02:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
Just got the letter today. Harvard doesn't want me, either. Which is totally okay, because now I KNOW, so I can finally get really excited about Pittsburgh. I'M GOING TO COLLEGE! AND I KNOW WHERE! This is awesome! And I was accepted into the honors housing community and just finished filling out my roommate survey thing. So now I can finally start looking up whats around there and places and things to see and do and be and get stuff for next year and all those fun things like that. And I can finally, finally get excited. Woots all around!
The certainty of the situation suddenly makes me feel much older. Strange. |
|
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| ::Basic Life Support:: |
[May. 26th, 2009|01:36 am] |
| [ | location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rage Against The Machine - Freedom | ] |
This entry has been four days in the making. I kept getting interrupted every time I started adding something to it.
It seems so surreal that I have to scream, 'cause it is happening,
and everything I hoped for is coming in clear...
So here it is. The end of an era. High school is done. It's over. Finished. At long last, it is finally complete. I made it through. We made it through. To think of what I was like three years and nine months ago - pompous, naive, judgmental, nervous... I guess I still am all of those things. But in a different way. My flaws have evolved, as have my strengths. I entered high school wanting to become a film director and leave with plans of brain surgery. I weighed twenty pounds more in 2005 than I do now. I traded softball and student council for Academic Decathlon and the alto sax. Theatrics remained constant, but there were musicals added into the mix. Gallons of eyeliner became gallons of sunscreen. I developed an unquenchable affinity for techno and progressive rock. What was once stifled resentment towards my mother's overprotectiveness turned into her being the reason I am grateful every day for being alive.
Somewhere along the line, I met (or in one case, grew closer to) the three best friends I have ever known, and I feel the good things deserve a final note before all of us move on to the next phase of our lives. So here it is. A tribute to the three of you, to our past four years together.
Loriel.
You sat next to me in music class after lunch on that first Monday of the fourth grade, right after that fateful recess when Mrs. Honan gave you that bribe. I can't thank you enough for existing in my life. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't you ever forget that, okay? Even when you beat me in monopoly and Perfect Dark and Wii Bowling. Back when we were obsessed with My Chemical Romance and Green Day, back when we hung out in the lecture hall every day, back when we used to spend hours upon hours playing Mario Party. Editing our first three videos, the ones that set the stage for Burnt Sienna. Hanging out at your locker. The memories are too many to document in this measly blog entry. Our friendship has gone through cycles and years and seems to be passing the test of time. The wick on this candle's got a long, long way to go. There’s still a lot more Play-Doh to be mixed together.
Sean.
You were the reason why I had to get a new telephone in my room - we would talk for so long that we'd end up constantly switching lines to continue conversations till 5:30 in the morning on our cell phones and on every single portable in your house while the other ones charged. You introduced me to Tool, Placebo, and The Mars Volta, and you opened my eyes to so much talent and music and inspiration in the world. I fell head over heels for you and your wonderful family. You were my other half - the brave one, the profound one, the experienced one, the one I could turn to for advice. You made me feel complete. We exchanged more about ourselves than I have ever confided to anyone before or since. To be honest, you were my idol. I somehow feel like this paragraph doesn’t do our friendship justice. You’ll probably never read this, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t see something or think of something and consider calling you to tell you all about it. You are going to make somebody’s world incredible someday.
Bree.
I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just start somewhere in the middle. Your sense of humor is, and always was, breathtaking. Some of the funniest moments of my life were spent with you. Children of Eden - how can I forget? You were a zebra. You once sang a song about how you were going to fail a bio test. We had four classes together freshman year and we had quite a laugh sophomore year about your Spanish grade. We went to Atlanta Bread once and ate bread bowls facing the wall. You tried to learn to knit. You have such a knack for picking up the most innocent and mundane of objects or phrases and turning them into the most ridiculously hilarious things in existence. Your talents, both comedically and musically, are positively inspiring. Your life stories and fun facts taught me more about the good and evil afoot in the world than I could have ever learned on my own. When I grow up, I’d like to have half your insight and even just a quarter of your courage. I hope we still have each other when we’re sixty.
I love the three of you to death. Whether you like it or not, I’m taking pieces of you with me wherever I go.
(It's an odd coincidence that together your initials are BLS, which stands for Basic Life Support. I guess it's rather fitting.)
In unrelated news, today marks four years and one week of having this journal. Let's hope for four more :]
And Hopkins officially doesn’t want me. That’s fine. But I am still waiting on a decision from Harvard. Their indecisiveness is driving me crazy. Just tell me no already and stop making me wait in such agony! |
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| ::Impact, Font Size 12:: |
[May. 4th, 2009|04:55 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bjork - Hidden Place | ] |
I'm desperate for something - anything - to change, but I don't know how to make that happen. But I feel compelled to make something, somewhere, somehow different. Hell, subconsciously, there might be something particular I need to change, but I just don't know. This is going to drive me mad. SOMETHING has to give. SOMETHING must be righted. Something...maybe sometime soon I'll figure out (or find out) what? |
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| ::Up In Smoke:: |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|11:43 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bjork - Oxygen | ] |
Someday you are going to realize that they don't even care whether or not you live or die, and that the only ones who ever did care were all left behind to stare and shake their heads and simply wait for your demise. Don't make us feel too ashamed to care. |
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| ::How Many of Your Needs Are Being Met?:: |
[Apr. 19th, 2009|11:57 pm] |
hah.
| None of Your Needs Are Being Met |  Needs not being met: Physiological, love, safety, esteem, and self-actualization needs
While it may seem surprising to you, none of your core needs are being met.
You are not getting enough fuel to keep you going, and it's hindering every aspect of your life.
Go back to square one. Work on getting enough rest, eating right, and even exercising.
To be happy and fulfilled, your physical needs like food and sleep need to be taken care of. |
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| ::Cliche Un-Cliche'd:: |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|08:16 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | weak | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nine Inch Nails - 1,000,000 | ] |
Life isn't about finding yourself.
It's about CREATING yourself.
! |
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| ::Cake:: |
[Apr. 14th, 2009|11:15 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Aerosmith - I Don't Want To Miss A Thing | ] |
If you were to find out that you were going to bed tonight never to wake again, how would you spend tonight - your last night? Would you change anything? Would you make a few phone calls, reconnect with old friends, tell someone what they mean to you or how much they hurt you, get the world off your chest? Would you make sure your room is neat and tidy so your parents won't have to clean up your mess after you're gone? Would you leave, determined to spend your final night somewhere other than home? Would you try for a grand finale, or would you bow out quietly? What would you do?
And what if, by some miraculous chance, you did die, and were brought back to life? What then? What would you do differently from the moment you reopened your eyes until the moment you died again? What would you say, and to who? How would you go about your every day? Would you feel differently about things? Would you live a different life? Would you be more or less outgoing? More or less studious? More or less controversial? Would your idea of fun change? Would you make your life any different than it is now?
Than go right ahead and do it. Now. Because for all any of us know, that night could be tonight, and you might never fall asleep again.
...................................
xWOKxSTARx: it really wasnt anything exciting. i was just feeling very anti-people, and happened to be doing my usual rounds of facebook stalking when i stumbled across a picture of somebody i used to go to school with but only spoke to maybe once while he was still at mondon, and in the picture he was making a really ridiculous facial expression, and i thought to myself, he's all right...people are all right...everyone's got good and fun and wonderful qualities when you dig deep enough. you just dont see it because you tend to write them off immediately.
xWOKxSTARx: and like...this guy was a junior when i was a freshman, and i spoke to him my freshman year one time about something really dumb (like...he was coloring a picture of a cell and i was in bio and as it turned out he was in ap bio and thats all that was exchanged lol) and i dont think we ever spoke again. and then it turns out hes friends with one of my other friends and he keep turning up in all of their pictures and it never meant anything until tonight when i looked at that one picture and was like...he has a whole life story. and a whole set of people who love and care about him. he is a whole nother human being, just like me. just as whole. with emotions and strengths and weaknesses and the whole shebang. and i just crossed paths with him for a second. can you imagine what the rest of the world holds?
xWOKxSTARx: CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!
xWOKxSTARx: like omg
xWOKxSTARx: maybe people are great! |
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| ::Paralyzers:: |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|06:44 pm] |
| [ | location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
I can feel it once more,
Seeping gently through open pores,
Killing the frog in the back o' the throat,
The unyielding fearlessness I nearly smote.
It is starting again-
Divine inspiration-
A twitch in the fingers,
Cross and uncross.
The serum is likened to poison-
Don't touch.
Fatality yields no hope;
Hand me that vial.
The monster is unleashed-
May rumor spread her wings
into the sun.
.................................
Give it another go, eh?
All that void,
Soaked with brine to the brim.
Clumsy hands on fragile hearts
of papier-mache.
Big, burly hands
ignorant of their brawn
uncalloused, tender, vile
spokes in the wheel which composts us all
into garbage juice.
What is that greying quality
which sends us all to the junkyards?
Misused pieces, worn out brakes-
Perhaps the parts were faulty from the start.
..................................
And maybe Brown and Columbia don't want me, but I made it onto Harvard's wait list (and Johns Hopkins', for that matter) and that's all that matters :D |
|
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| ::Underestimation:: |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|09:31 am] |
| [ | location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dan Russell-Pinson - Monotony | ] |
Until very, very recently, I had always believed my greatest hate was of being ignored. But upon close reflection this past weekend I realized that that wasn't quite it. If someone ignores me, that's quite all right with me. I don't need them and I don't need their attention nor their approval in order to be content with myself in my own little world. But what kills me is when I am disregarded, if that's even the proper term. Written off, considered overall worthless, doubted. It makes my blood boil. And don't tell me I can't do something, because I will just work that much harder to prove you wrong and show you that I can and force you to see just how much you underestimated me. I feel like my entire life has been spent working towards achieving something, towards proving to the world and to myself that I am not worthless, that I am a critical and integral part of the universe, doing everything in my power to make other see just how important I think I am. A bit self-centered, maybe, but that was and still is my ulterior motive for everything. And when something happens or somebody says or does something to make me feel useless or unimportant, I sink into this deep hole of temporary depression through which I can barely function. I'm not apologizing for this fact, but now that I understand where these bouts come from I can take steps to prevent them. Thinking back, it all fits perfectly. It's especially obvious in this entry from January. The problem is that I don't know what steps are needed.
Maybe it's just a confidence issue. Maybe the basis for my self-confidence is ill-founded. I don't think it is, but how else do you explain a generally hyperpositive outlook of self and the world that is sporadically and violently interrupted by brief 24-hour periods of intense self-pity? I can't figure this one out. And so I ask my friends on livejournal to help me, to play psychiatrist for a day and give their input, if it isn't too much to ask of them.
Either I missed the bus this morning or my bus driver got the delay times mixed up again. Either way, I'm home for the day. So I'm going to change into sweats and read my self-help books for literature appreciation. Maybe I'll even get a good night's sleep tonight.
Placebo has a new album coming out June 8th. And apparently Green Day has a new album set for release in May. |
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i_luv_bja's journal
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